The subtle art of giving a duck(You know how rhymes work)


Now people, I know ya’ll must be thinking “ooh that title is suspiciously similar to the title of a book by Mark Manson". I’m not copying folks. This is just my sad attempt at sleight of hand for a creative title. Clickbait much? Okay so before you guys bolt thinking this is lame, let me tell you something very important. First, let me ask you some questions.

Are you ever at a loss for words when your mother says: “Why do I have to do all the work?” Or “Why do you want to go to Goa with your friends and not us?”

Do you wonder why your perfect date got ruined because you took an innocent pause when she asked you “Do I look fat?”

Did you ever get into an argument with a Real Madrid fan while trying to convince him that Messi is God?

Now such seemingly innocent ‘discussions’ can turn into a black hole of never-ending arguments. We spoke about sleight of hand at the beginning of the article(and my terrible attempt at it) and now we’ll see how to use it to worm our way out of an argument. So before we dive into the article please note that this is not “How to win an argument 101” This is “How not to get into an argument 101”

Step 1: Learn the subtle art of giving a duck(you know how rhymes work)
So let’s say for instance that you’re arguing with a parent about why you don’t believe them when they explain to you(in vain) about how not eating chicken on the Tuesdays can land you a better role in your next life and they for some bizarre reason don’t take kindly to your opinions in the matter. The best thing to do in such a scenario is to actually give a shmuck(again, you know the drill) about their feelings, obviously because you love them (and partially because they let you live in their house rent-free and give you free food). 

 The number one ground rule to remember when in an argument with a person from an older generation, is that there is a lot of talk about “ our times…” and that no one ever wins. In such cases nip an argument in the bud by agreeing with them(Nodding your head at all times works like a charm).

Step 2: Utter the three golden words
While saying “I love you” in the face of an approaching argument may lead to passionate congress between two protagonists in a movie, the result is not so promising in real life. So the three golden words here, are “Agree to disagree”. While you and your dear friend are busy yelling at each other defending your favourite footballers or celebrities, those people are probably sitting at their overtly expensive beach-front property,  sipping their margaritas enjoying the weather.
What I’m trying to say is that you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone has different opinions and they’re bound to be different from yours. You have to agree to disagree. 

And besides no one cares whether you think cats are vicious; people are still going to clean their poop and cuddle with them. So it all comes down to this; No one cares about your opinion unless you’re a billionaire, Kim(I leave it open-ended), or the President(open-ended again).

Step 3: Let them think you’re a fool, Don’t open your mouth and prove it.
If say you’re having a political ‘discussion’ but things don’t seem very cordial and you have a presentiment about an argument, it’s better to smooth your way out of it by:
         A. Changing the topic(Sleight of hand)
         B.   Keeping your opinion to yourself.

Sometimes it’s better to let others make a fool of themselves because let’s face it, everyone here is arguing to make a point and not to listen to other people’s opinions. It’s just like Arnab Goswami yelling himself hoarse to make the politician look like an ass and himself look like a genius. So better be silent and let others think you’re an idiot instead of proving you are one. And if you’re actually a genius who’s itching to point out where they’re wrong, do yourself a favour; don’t. Just sit back and smile; your blood pressure will thank you later.

So these were the steps to avoid an argument. And if you're protesting right now, saying that you're great with comebacks then, let me quote The Joker here: "If you're good at something, never do it for free." 

Which brings me to my next point:

If you’re a lawyer…
Argue only if you’re being paid to do it. If winning an argument gets you a ton of that green stuff(NOT weed) then argue with all your might and earn your monies like a boss!

So here comes an end to our little tête-à-tête about arguments. I really really hope you find this helpful because argument never brings about solutions, it only brings about conflict and resentment.

P.S. And about the infamous set of questions “Am I looking fat? “Is she better looking than me?”, I strongly advise to maintain a poker face and without so much as a pause, say NO. Endearing adjectives like baby, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. might help your cause even more. 
You’re welcome!

Hey guys,
Lately, I've been looking at(and guilty of partaking in) a lot of arguments on the internet regarding the most random, most bizarre stuff and it got me thinking why. People seem to be having a lot of free time on their hands, maybe that's why. Until you come up with great comebacks to put someone down, it all seems really fun. But it sucks the positive energy out of you and the creativity your career could use is getting used up trying to come up with 'witty' comebacks. So I thought it was high time someone wrote about how arguments can do no good to anybody(Maybe only lawyers). I thought I'd add a bit of sarcasm and satire to make it just a little less boring and a little more readable. I really hope you like it and take something good out of it. Until next time people.
Lots of love,
Tanvi x

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  1. Amusing and witty, as always! Loved reading it! Looking forward to more such articles from you Tanvi.

  2. Superb! It's a treat to read your articles. Looking forward to enjoying some more of such treats.


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